What is this page?
I am a queer person who has had a lot of thoughts about my queerness. This will be a page to put any links, images, and thoughts that I feel prudent to share about my queer identity, or queerness in general.
Book Recs
| Title | Author | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex | Angela Chen | I'm not asexual and this book still blew my mind. A feat of journalism, an understandable read, and much more. Aces and non-aces alike can get so much from this. |
| The Other Significant Others | Rhaina Cohen | This book encapsulates the type of relationships I want in life that I'm afraid to ask for. A book all about non-romantic partnerships. Extremely affirming to those of us who see ourselves in the topic. |
| Before We Were Trans | Kit Heyam | A historical look at gender nonconformity beyond modern terminology. It created a throughline in history for me that was extremely meaningful. I think I literally hugged it at some point. |
| Queer Ducks | Eliot Schrefer | An overview of same-sex behavior and sex diversity in the animal kingdom, complete with cute cartoons. I didn't expect it to be as comforting as it was. Meant for teen readers but I loved it. |
| Radical Belonging | Lindo Bacon | How can we find a sense of belonging in a world that traumatizes and oppresses us? I really, really recommend this book. |
| The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love | Sonya Renee Taylor | A much-needed reset on the way my brain approaches bodies. It's difficult to unpack societally-ingrained structures like body shame all alone, and this book helps. It also opened my eyes to a broader concept of body shame. |
My aromanticism
By the time I reached my 20s, I kind of figured I didn't have any more queer surprises in my future. Then, around January 2022, I was essentially jumpscared by the realization that I'm aromantic - I feel little to no romantic attraction, to anyone. Aromantic experiences are diverse, broad-spectrum, and differ from person to person. Essentially, this is how my thought process went over the years:
- Childhood and preteens: nothing really. very mild "crushes" that I wouldn't necessarily see as romantic nowadays
- Teens: holy shit I'm pansexual. Also, what is a romantic relationship? I've never been in one. For some reason a queerplatonic relationship makes so much sense to me. Is it normal to feel like I have crushes on all my friends?
- Entering college: cool! I will no doubt meet people and go on dates and stuff. I was closeted and had undiagnosed anxiety in high school, so now that things are better I'll surely date and be normal, right?
- End of college: hmm I never ended up understanding crushes or relationships or - OH, FUCK.
I took a long time to realize I was aromantic in comparison to my other realizations, because I frankly didn't have a complete understanding of aromanticism, despite knowing about it, and felt like there was no way that could be me. I was lonely, and wanted committed relationships and intimacy. Turns out, none of that precludes me from being aro. Cue clown makeup.
It turns out, I don't get romantic crushes on people, and I experience platonic love very deeply. I internally have no difference. My dream scenario would be to live with close friends and take care of each other. This has caused me some grief when friends have moved away to be with their romantic partners. I'm still figuring out how my future will look as an aromantic person, in a world that expects and caters towards couples and families.
My nonbinary gender
I am nonbinary. My gender isn't man or woman, and it isn't related to the two, or anything in-between. It is a separate gender - not no gender, but a strong feeling of nonbinary gender. I currently like the word maverique for myself; meaning a gender identity that is not the absence of gender, or an apathy towards gender, but a present feeling of gender completely independent from male, female, neutral, or anything derived (paraphrased from Nonbinary Wiki). I also see myself as transgender and genderqueer.
As such, navigating physical and social dysphoria was complicated for me, when transitioning is most publicly known as occurring from one of the binary genders to the other. It took me years to grapple with my desire for Hormone Replacement Therapy, my on-again off-again thoughts about surgeries, and the mortifying fear of being even more visibly queer than I already was - I would be happier by far, but more nervous to be seen in public for my safety.
My nonbinary gender has also led me to hard conversations with people who don't understand why I wanted HRT, especially with my fluctuating presentation. People in the community have labelled me as masculine and as transmasc for being on hormones now (I made it! I made the leap! It felt incredible to make a decision for only me). Conversely, a skirt has gotten me labelled femme. I am none of these. I am a maverique on HRT, as that is what I felt my body should be running on, and now my body is my genderqueer home.
I didn't know people regularly felt this casual in their body, without a dysphoric push-and-pull. Yes, I still have body image issues, and so do others, but this is something completely different; a subtle realignment that I didn't know I needed. I don't wake up some mornings reluctant to leave my bed because of my dysphoria anymore. I see myself in the mirror and smile more often. The act of shaving my face is wonderful. I take better care of myself.
The ultimate reason I went on hormones was that I didn't want to die without knowing if hormones would help me. My dysphoria was varied and inconsistent, difficult to parse as dysphoria at times, and I was more pulled to HRT for the effects I wanted rather than pushed towards it for being in "the wrong body." This break from the mainstream narrative made it hard for me to decide to start, but ultimately, I wanted to know if HRT would make things better for me - make me happier.
And I am!
